February 19, 2021
Are you a “sandwich generation” mom? Sandwiched between needs of your children and your parents? Come check out resources to encourage you.
Are You A Member Of the Sandwich Generation?
What a term — The “Sandwich Generation.” This is the description of folks who care for both children and parents at the same time.
If you add grandchildren to the mix, it’s a “Club Sandwich Generation.”
I know. Food terms. Gotta love them.
And to be clear, we are all between those generations. We’re just not all actively attending to care needs on a daily basis. For those who are, it’s a lot of pressure.
Are you there? Helping in both directions?
And are you wishing it was more about ham and cheese, and less about running here and there?
Were you unprepared to enter a stage of life in which your children still relied heavily on you at the same time your parents began to experience serious aging or health issues?
Navigating this season is more than a challenge. Most days you’re managing some kind of a crisis — The time when you have to deny one substantial need in honor of another substantial need.
A “sandwich generation” mom.
I see you. There, in your car, racing between your points of service. You’re trying to work out the issues under one roof as you drive to the next one.
Where’s the help, the relief?
And, if help was offered for an important task, would you trust the friend who offered? Yikes.
Juggling those plates. Keeping them spinning. Doing it all.
Managing Your Moods
And that’s not all. When you’re in the middle of something, with both hands and both feet, you don’t want to lose your cool. You’re trying not to be impatient, or discouraged, or even angry.
But maybe you are. Inside.
You have to carefully discipline each thought, each word, even your expressions. The way you interact is important: You never want anyone you’re serving to feel like they’re a burden. You’ve got your game face on, expending enormous energy to pay full attention to the task at hand.
So you’re challenged with logistics, and with attitude. But there’s something deeper, isn’t there? Your heart.
The heart picture:
Your days are filled with emotional moments. Pivotal decisions, challenges, simply dealing with the present.
And the road to this place, it’s been rocky.
Maybe you’ve got a head full of memories that won’t settle: sad or scary things that happened over the last few weeks or months. Those memories keep returning, calling out those emotions all over again.
Reliving the past.
Aaand…
Most of the time you aren’t trying to look at the road ahead, but you know where it leads.
If you look up, sneak a little peek, it looks like the terrain just gets worse. And your trusty emotions rush to respond in advance.
So today’s emotions, plus yesterday’s emotions, plus tomorrow’s emotions.
You are aware of the pressure, and feeling fragile.
Finally, you confide your struggle. You mention your stress to a trusted friend. You describe your situation to a colleague. You discuss with siblings the schedule, the stress, and the future.
The Advice That Annoys
Then somebody like me tells you to “just pray more”, and something happens.
You just lose it.
You get angry. You know why? Because you are overwhelmed, outdone by a situation so ginormous that pecking at it with prayers isn’t going to change anything.
😟 And you say so, before you think.
It’s how you feel. I know. I’ve been right in that place.
The place where you need practical help you can see — right this minute. Why can’t everybody understand that?
And guess what?
It’s wrong.
Not wrong that you need practical help. You do.
👉 Wrong that praying isn’t the answer.
Here. I’ll show you…
Prayer Is The Privilege of Children Of The King
Friends, why is it we forget our heritage? Under stress, we forget something foundational to the Christian life.
We have the benefits and responsibilities of being children of the King.
Just stop a second. And think.
The King, who provides, protects, plans, and prepares.
He is the author of everything. Even your current chapter.
And he is your father!
In “Knowing God”, J. I. Packer says something profound to the believer. He connects this truth to Hebrews 12:6-7,11, saying it “produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
Here’s the profound statement:
In this world, royal children have to undergo extra training and discipline which other children escape, in order to fit them for their high destiny. It is the same with the children of the King of kings. The clue to understanding all his dealings with them is to remember that throughout their lives he is training them for what awaits them, and chiseling them into the image of Christ.
Sometimes there’s a perspective that changes the view. That’s what’s profound about this.
This position, being a child of the King, is not our default posture. It should be, but instead it’s the fallback, or the occasional memory.
We just aren’t “there” most of the time. We’re not acting like children of the King.
Instead, we limit our view to the task at hand, and we are looking for approval from those we serve, or from the witnesses around us.
What If We Remembered?
What if we were in that posture?
What if you were aware every day of your heritage, your place in the kingdom, your future inheritance?
How would that awareness impact your attitude and your endeavors? Especially as a sandwich generation mom?
If you assumed the posture of a child of the King…
- Would your assignments suddenly be clearly seen as having a noble purpose?
- Would your acceptance of your duties become infused with joy?
- Would your accomplishments be placed at the feet of Christ?
Understand that these questions are asked with the knowledge that we are not changing our circumstances.
What Can We Change?
We are changing our viewpoint, not our situation.
And trying to see our full plate as an assignment, rather than an unfortunate accident.
Thinking of ourselves as victims can be debilitating, But when we focus on the intentionality of God, we know that something awaits. Our plight continues, but we know there is a destination.
Moreover, all the resources of the King are at our disposal. Not directly, but through petition.
Packer says that remembering this perspective, being a child of the King, is the clue to understanding all his dealings with us.
Do you agree?
Isn’t that one of the big frustrations in life? Wondering why God deals with us the way he does?
So we’re shining that new light on the old situation. And it helps.
It makes us ask different questions, right?
It’s helpful, when we’re in that valley, to remember that God is good. Because it’s true.
Buuuut…
Those practical issues remain, don’t they?
It’s not either/or. It’s both/and.
Prayer and practicality.
God is working out the details of our lives in the midst of struggles, relationships, and growth. All the time.
Practical Help for Sandwich Generation Moms
You’re here, reading this.
Maybe it’s you. Maybe you’re the sandwich generation mom, struggling to adjust your life to new demands. Or maybe someone you care about.
Are your questions about the day-to-day struggle, in practical terms?
Do you need the perspective of someone with experience?
Would it help to see proven methods of coping?
Not everyone has helpful advice. “They just don’t know how it feels to be you.”
You know you need perspective, experience, coping, resources, methods.
People around you just aren’t prepared to supply that.
It’s hard sometimes, to find time to look online and narrow down a search for something truly useful. Especially when you’re pressed for time and frazzled and emotional.
Would you trust me to share helpful resources? That’s something I love to do.
For instance, does this sandwich generation article resonate with you?
America’s Sandwich Generation, men and women in their forties to sixties with both aging parents and children to care for, is one of the fastest growing populations. This group of people often find themselves stuck in the middle of trying to juggle a hectic schedule that includes caring for parents experiencing a decline in health, keeping up with adult children as they struggle to “make it on their own” and begin their families, and managing the financial and emotional stresses that arise throughout these circumstances. This alone is a lot for one person to handle and often leaves little time for self-care and nurturing a relationship with your spouse.
It’s just an introduction to an article called 8 Ways for Caregivers in the Sandwich Generation To Reduce Stress.
This is one of several topics that lists some of the proven ways to ease transitions during this time of life. There is so much really good advice tucked into this article.
And I’ve got more places for help.
Before we get too far, I need to tell you something.
I’m Not A Sandwich Generation Mom.
I am not exactly where you are.
Actually, no one is exactly where you are.
But we can share our stories, right?
We’ve done some multigenerational living at our house. And if you need some encouragement, read my post, The Truth About Multigenerational Living.
I also have 3 tips for helping connect with older people that you might enjoy.
And if you’re seeking resources, check out What You Need To Know About Caring For Aging Parents.
One way I have found to settle my stress is this: Design the moments to align with the intentions.
What does that mean?
- It means saying yes to a child’s request.
- It means caring about the small things, even when I’m rushed and frazzled.
- It means showing pleasure at the interactions, not impatience.
- It means taking time frequently to give praise, to frame a memory, to be gracious.
Because trust and peace and harmony are built moment by moment, by real people doing real things.
That is beautiful. So beautiful, I’m going to paint it right into my mirror.
The truth: It’s not always pretty around here. And I’m not always in the good zone. Ask my people. I get preoccupied, frustrated, and annoyed.
And of course I wish I didn’t have to confess that.
Because I want you to see me a certain way.
You know what I mean.
It’s how we look when we’re covered up with struggle.
But every single time, we have to look beyond the circumstances.
How Do We Get To The Good Stuff?
We brush away the frustration, the unnecessary things, the Facebook-perfect pictures, and yes, some of the personal preferences.
When you do that, you uncover the design of the maker, shiny, solid, and beautiful.
Now we see the plan for us to care for one another, the fulfillment in doing that. The investment.
As one day of hard work and compromise leads to the next, we see the change.
There is a painful process to witness, seeing our loved ones accepting their weakness or their frailty, and allowing others to serve them.
On the good days, we see faces relax, and we see our people curl up and sleep in peace.
We see the design of the moments.
And we see our Father, the King, delivering our needs from his storehouse.
Isaiah 41:10 (ESV) Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Philippians 4:19 (ESV) And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
MY PRAYER FOR YOU:
Father, please carry my sister. Carry her through every moment, help her to rest on your strength and your plans, and give her the ability to love those in her life beyond measure. Supply her with the riches of your storehouse.
Sometime today, close your eyes and spend just a few minutes with the Lord.
Enjoy this song if you like, and we’ll wind up our visit below.
God Will Carry Us
100 Scriptures to encourage you, from Open Bible.
An important part of every single thing we do has to be remaining aware of God’s plan for us and our obedience to him.
And to you, sandwich generation mom, about what you’re doing:
I see your obedience, your devotion, and your efforts. I also see your fatigue, your fear, and your questions.
I respect you, I admire you, and I care about you.
When you’re sorting through your demands, and the supply is short, make a call.
First, to the King, to look into the storehouse and send what you need.
Then, to a trusted friend, to seek practical help. Maybe to drive someone to ball practice, take care of a meal or laundry, or to connect you with an answer to a struggle.
👉 You know what? We’re outside of your picture, and we don’t know. Your need becomes visible to us when you choose to reveal it. Please don’t feel guilty about that.
More resources for the heart of a sandwich generation mom:
Sometimes we just need to fill our empty hearts with hope. Not fantasy hope, not selfish hope, but true hope, the promises of God.
The helpful message we welcome is the one that addresses our heart, helps us to connect our sinking despair to the lifeline of Christ.
Imagine my surprise when the sweetest blog post appeared in my inbox right before this post was published. Mississippi Mom is preparing to share with us the sandwich story she is living. What she shares is a precious glimpse into her heart.
About that issue that’s too big for prayer: Roll Your Burdens onto God at Desiring God will paint a perfect picture of why we pray.
Would you like 21 Bible Verses that remind us God is bigger than our problems?
The American Psychological Association offers some help for sandwich generation moms and stress.
There is a sad and very serious story about a journey with its ups and downs here, The Sandwich Generation.
And with amazing insight into our mom hearts, Ruthie Gray Dot Mom.
Amelia Rhodes has a great post about life changes and how to view them, including a Prayer Acronym for Change. This topic was a big help to me as I researched this post.
Whose name is here, in these words? Is it yours? Or someone you know?
I love stories about people who help. Those who offer practical assistance, especially to volunteers.
People who serve also need to be served.
For instance, Sometimes we bring sandwiches to those who help.
Maybe we also should remember to bring help to those who are sandwiched.
😉
Thank you for being here today, for caring about this.
Thank you! At GFP company is always welcome!
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Are you on Pinterest? That is a crazy fun place! You can find so many helpful things. Take a look at what I’ve saved for you! A lot of things that never make it to the blog. Here are my Pinterest pins, and I also have categories/boards if you’re looking for something specific.
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-Grammye
“Adorned” by Nancy Demoss Wolgemuth.
When Nancy Demoss Wolgemuth tells a story, I want to be there. You should, too. This is on my “book list” of things I want to read.
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What’s the tip of the week?
Avoid the trap of self comparison. And teach your children the same.
No one will ever be exactly like you, or exactly where you are. They will always be older or younger, bigger or smaller, richer or poorer, more educated or less educated, happier or sadder.
Always.
Measuring yourself using others as the ruler is always a mistake.
Avoid the trap of self comparison.
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Well, aren’t you just the coolest blogger!!! Included a wonderful video in your sweet “sandwich” blog. I love sandwiches.
You liked that! Me, too. I’m glad you enjoyed the song. I may never get tired of hearing her sing it. For all the times we’ve been carried, right? I’m always so glad to see you here. Thank you for stopping by today. Sandwiches are the best. 😄