Discipline, Shaping Little Hearts

DISCIPLINE. 

Is this the worst word in the world among parents? Look online. Or ask anyone. You’ll see the ongoing debates about time out, time in, correction methods, spanking, and everything else.

And you’re exhausted. Overwhelmed. Helpless. How can such a little person bring you to your knees? Emotions are spilling over everywhere and making a mess, yours and theirs. 

• You just need them to do what you ask.
• You just need them to be civil.
• You just need them to live in peace.

You’re here, reading what I have to say. I respect that and appreciate it more than you could know.

So first, let me say I don’t have all the answers. I’m a struggling learning person who is looking for real truth, real results, and real answers. Sometimes my circumstances get me in a tangle. Sometimes my solutions are not correct.

My “human-ness” keeps interfering with my dream self: that perfect woman who never has a cross word, who woos all the children she meets into obedience with just a beckoning smile, the one who never gets overwhelmed.

And I’m OLD, for goodness sake! I’m still beating myself up about parenting my own children, and now I have to add grandparenting mistakes to the mix.

You’re struggling.

And I’ve seen you. With my heart, I’ve seen you. The daily struggle of trying to get it right, feeling like every person sees your desperation. Parenting is so hard. Maybe you had great ideas about it, until you were there. Until you were going on never-enough sleep and endless needs before you.

Hear this: I got those looks. The frowning looks of the seasoned moms when one of my children had less than stellar behavior in public. I had the days when I was barely able to get dressed and out the door, taking little people to school with breakfast still on their faces.

Let’s start by acknowledging the struggle. It’s not just a walk in the park. If being a mother is so noble, so “shape-the-world” important, it can’t be that simple. It can’t be that easy. It’s hard. It takes every quality you can muster up. It takes intelligence and learning. This is not a job for the weak.

It is, however, a job for the tired. How could it not be?

If you’re struggling with behavior, I don’t have to tell you there are all kinds of information out there. Before you even recall what you’ve found, please take just a minute to go back to the beginning: What is the goal?

First, let’s separate the right ideas from the wrong ones. Do you ever realize you’ve gotten away from the original purpose? I do. A lot. Behavior-centered thinking gets bigger than heart-centered thinking. 

Let’s look at some of the wrong ideas:

Three wrong ideas:

If we were in the circus (and some days we absolutely are!), we would be interested in entertaining a crowd, creating behaviors that visibly amused or pleased others.

What if we were in a race? We would be trying to finish as quickly as possible.

And thirdly, if we were bystanders, we would be observing others who step in and solve our problems with their solutions.

So if you’ve fallen into one of these ditches (visible behavior, efficiency, passiveness), today we can recognize that tendency. We will see how it keeps us from the right idea.