Updated March 12, 2021
Grieving after someone’s death. How do we cope? Where do those sad memories settle? There is a place for them. A place of rest for all of us.
Grieving after someone’s death.
It comes, and we respond.
In what will become a collection of isolated memories.
- The midnight phone call. It’s never good. Something has happened, and you can only respond in disbelief.
- The call you expected comes. This time you know. “He’s gone.”
- Or you’re there, at the vigil, waiting together. Then quietly, the last breath
- Recognizing the caller ID when you’re out on errands. “She’s gone.”
The grown-up truth you’ve had to accept: People die.
It happens. Either too quickly or too slowly. And grief follows.
Emptiness, questions, fear.
As time passes your memories of the moments remain distinct.
- Snippets of conversations by the bedside. Reflections spoken in choked voices as you approach the boundary that is the edge of life. The deep searches into your soul for appropriate conversation.
- Then, recognition of the quiet of death.
- Murmured voices as phone calls are made. The little sandwiches someone brought. Looking into the room that will now be empty. Driving as the dogwoods bloom in the spring sunlight. Or the midnight drive home in silence.
- The solemn selection of clothing to wear. The procession of sympathizers. Driving quietly as others pause. Continual and abrupt repeated reminders of the circumstances. Conversations meander with those we seldom see. Laughter that is genuine suddenly sounds harsh.
And then, the long nothing. Grieving, weeping, cleaning, and (most important), believing.
What now? Grieving after someone’s death is hard. Where do we get our cues from? Sad movies? Our traditions? Maybe. But those things don’t seem to help.
We know that Jesus said, “It is finished.” But finished is maddeningly elusive, and always out of our grasp, as the days wear on.
What can His “finished” do in our lives? And how do we get to “finished”?
Here is an excerpt from an article called “It Is Finished“, written by Rick Renner, and featured on Crosswalk in 2008. (A link to the book is at the end of this post.)
- If you are consumed with grief, remember that Jesus bore your grief.
- If you are overwhelmed with sorrows, remember that He carried your sorrow.
- If you are trapped in a life of transgression, remember that He was wounded for your transgressions.
- If you are living in sin, you can be forgiven because He was bruised for your iniquities.
- If you are tormented and have no peace, remember that He was chastised for your peace.
- If you are physically or mentally sick, remember that He was wounded for your healing.
The Heidelberg Catechism asks the question,
What is your only comfort in life and death?
And then the answer:
| A. | That I am not my own, 1 but belong with body and soul, both in life and in death, 2 to my faithful Saviour Jesus Christ. 3 He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood, 4 and has set me free from all the power of the devil. 5 He also preserves me in such a way 6 that without the will of my heavenly Father not a hair can fall from my head; 7 indeed, all things must work together for my salvation. 8 Therefore, by his Holy Spirit he also assures me of eternal life 9 and makes me heartily willing and ready from now on to live for him. 10 |
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That’s a lot of truth.
Especially when you have questions about life and about death.
Which leads to another question:
WHY? Grieving after someone’s death?
Why am I doing this, on this happy blog with rocking chairs and snacks and toys?
Because this season has brought memories of loved ones who have gone on.
Have you experienced this? A familiar place, a ray of sunshine, the smell of flowers, or the taste of a certain food? Something transports you back to the time it happened.
Those memories always resurface, don’t they?
And my only comfort is the assurance of their destiny. The days of loss left me ragged and deeply grieved.
Ultimately the “finished” rescues my thoughts. It points me to Christ.
And I want to rest in that truth. But instead I wrestle.
My knowledge is certain, but my response is woefully inadequate.
The depth of Christ’s sacrifice is too painful to contemplate.
The vastness of God’s love is impossible for me to acknowledge.
A thought process I can barely endure…
All this leads me deep into a valley:
The repeated rescues in my life have created something that feels like a “rescue debt” I can never repay. You ever feel like that?
And hidden in that feeling is the “Absolute Truth”:
My debt has been paid.
The very act of Christ’s crucifixion paid my debt, and left me with a zero balance. It is no longer important that I incurred debt. It exists no more.
Oh, there is daily interaction in every aspect of my life that consists of debt and repayment.
Taking turns, apologizing, realizing my offenses. And in the confines of this world I must pay those debts.
What is my only comfort in life and death?
When death comes, and it will, those memories will start.
Even my death.
The calls will be made. The quiet murmurs of my family will ensue. The sandwiches will arrive. Sympathizers will come, and quiet rituals will begin.
And a glorious truth will shore up every moment.
Because I left here with a zero balance, and I entered eternity blameless and chosen. No punishment, no repayment, no condemnation.
Though I have failed numerous times, I am forgiven.
I am not my own; I belong to Jesus.
Nothing is more important.
Maybe this reminds you it’s true.
How will you rest in this truth today?
Or maybe it seems like it would be nice, but you think it’s probably not true.
Will you reject it? Or explore it?
You may still be unconvinced. If you’d like to start reading something to prepare your argument, begin with the links above. Plenty of history for you to verify, and plenty of directions for you to take.
And I don’t judge you. I’m just pointing to the parachutes we will all absolutely need. They aren’t mine, but they are available. Paid for by someone else. And I want you to have one.
The Resources:
Paid In Full
The full article I mentioned above is Crosswalk article by Rick Renner, It Is Finished.
In reading it, you will find the basis for the above assurances outlined in a very helpful way.
This comes from his book, “Paid in Full: An In-Depth Look at the Defining Moment of Christ’s Passion”.
Paid In Full: An In-depth Look at the Defining Moments of Christ’s Passion
By Rick Renner
Paid in Full, a riveting account of Jesus’ final hours, takes you on a journey to discover the heart, humanity, emotion, and meaning of Jesus’ every encounter along the way from Gethsemane to Golgotha. It powerfully explains the significance of each step Jesus willingly tookalong the way of His suffering, His death, and His resurrection.
Noted Bible teacher Rick Renner draws a brilliant backdrop to the passion of Jesus Christ, interjecting fresh insights into the human and divine drama that took place in Jerusalem more than 2000 years ago. And as you follow along Jesus’ journey that is so vividly detailed in Paid in Full, you will discover an intimate portrait of Him you never knew, and experience Him in a way you’ll never forget.
The Heidelberg Catechism
The Heidelberg Catechism – gift edition
A beautiful gift edition of the Heidelberg Catechism in soft imitation leather.
In the early 1560s Frederick III (1516-76), Elector Palatine desired that his subjects be led to a ‘devout knowledge and fear of the Almighty and his holy Word of salvation.’ He commissioned a group of theologians and ministers to compose a catechetical summary of biblical truth that could be committed to memory and be an encouragement to personal faith and growth in Christ. The final version was approved by the Synod in Heidelberg (1563), the city lending its name to the catechism.
The Heidelberg Catechism follows the pattern of the Epistle to the Romans. It opens with the question ‘What is your only comfort in life and in death?,’ and then examines the realities of human sin and misery (Rom. 1-3:20); salvation in Christ, including faith and repentance (Rom. 3:21-11:36); and the Christian life of thankful obedience in response to God’s grace in Christ (Rom. 12-16). The catechism stands as a faithful testimony to the ancient Christian faith in its scripturally derived shape and content, and further expressed in its exposition and application of the Apostles’ Creed, the sacraments of baptism and the Lord’s Supper, the Ten Commandments, and the Lord’s Prayer.
Maybe you want to think more about your legacy. If so, try reading this: What I Leave Behind.
Wondering whether eternal life is real? Read Why Do They Say You Can’t Go Home?
Thank you.
For letting me say it.
For caring that it can be so sad to remember loss.
Or for soothing your loss here.
Thank you! At GFP company is always welcome!
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-Grammye
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We have had 3 grandbabies born within 7 months. This is an overwhelming blessing! But with each baby’s birth I find myself in tears and struggling again over the death of my first grandson, Jack. I miss him so much. Thank you for these reminders, friend. God’s Word tells me it is better to go to the house of mourning than the house of gladness. It is here that we are forced to face eternity. That we learn the answers to our lives’ important questions.
Julie. Your story. I am so sorry. It was read with tears. Written with them, too, I know.
Every parent’s heart steps back at the mention of the death of a baby. And we remember their names with reverence; Your “Jack.” You have a sadness that will grieve you for all your days.
For you, and for all those who have endured this sorrow, in earnest love I pray the promises of God will be an ever-increasing comfort over the course of your life. Matthew 5:4 says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” And Julie, may you be covered in kisses from the overwhelming blessings. Thank you so much for being here, and for opening your story up to us.
-Grammye
Such good, heart-felt words!
Angela, vivid memories, and great sadness. Thank you for reading.