Updated March 26, 2021
How can I make my relationships better? What makes a good relationship? Why do I feel like I’m doing it wrong?
You want to make things better.
You devote yourself to others, you give, and still you aren’t attaining the “prize” you had in mind.
You can’t recapture that starry-eyed romance, or the silent cuddles, or the conversations about things that matter. It seems like nobody is seeking time with you.
Maybe you’re realizing that you’ve let some distance creep into friendships. Circumstances, distractions, different things that have interfered.
So what is it that would help? Is your statement like mine?
“I want to make my relationships better. All of them.”
I want less conflict, more agreement. Also less talking and more listening. Having less distraction and more time would also be good. More specifically, less busyness and more patience. And more tenderness.
And just to be clear: Those are the improvements I want to make on my end. I want to agree more, listen more, spend more time. I want to be more patient and more tender.
And I’ll tell you a deep secret. The reason I know I need to be these things is because I need these things.
We all do. And when I hear from my family about needs, I have to look into the mirror and see if I’m providing the relationship they need.
What does it look like (or sound like) to “need”?
Listen to women talk to each other about what they need. Maybe it’s material things, or time, or rest. But often it’s heart things: like respect, tenderness, or gratitude.
Listen to men when they laugh about marriage, or women, or chores. They want less of the “grind” of daily life and more of the pleasure — whether that’s physical or material or mental, they want some kind of freedom from the constraints of their situation.
And the beginning starts to follow the end…
Over time the “need” gets to be the focus, the ever-enlarging motive of the quest. It becomes the mission statement, the outline of our existence, the list of all the things we don’t have.
We are no longer providing the positive to those around us, we are nourishing the negative.
You don’t realize it’s happening until it’s behind you. Things are going backward.
And the engine is now following the caboose.
True story, setting the course:
More than “just lunch;” a pivotal event. As a young woman, I accompanied a group of older women to a lunch. Just friends going out, and they invited me. I was happy to be included.
Until I was there. The entire time, I listened to them proclaim their dissatisfaction with their mates, their children, their homes, and life in general. Their unhappiness was profound, and they all shared it.
It affected me.
The good news is this: It did not affect me in the way you might think, that I slipped into that mindset and became like them. Nope. The exact opposite.
I knew that day (and every day afterward) that I didn’t want to exist in simply a treadmill of resentment and dissatisfaction. The determination to avoid these two things has carried through my entire adult life. (Well, so far. I’m not finished yet, am I?)
I don’t want the hard job of climbing out from under the heavy rock of resentment. If you’ve ever had to do that, you know what I’m talking about. Sometimes you realize you have let that rock get so big. You’re stuck there and you can’t get out alone.
So you’ll almost always find me on top of the rock. I may get sad, even angry, I may dig in to get my way on something. But my few brushes with long-term resentment left me certain I can’t do that on a regular basis.
What if it’s you?
So what if it’s you, finding out the direction has changed? Does it seem suddenly that negativity is driving your life?
What if it’s you feeling enormous need in relationships?
What if it’s you who is struggling under the weight of something you can’t quite get out from under?
What are you supposed to do?
Maybe things around you are already fractured, or maybe you realize you’ve lost your grip on something.
Do you surrender?
Will you be a bystander in your own life, as the caboose drives the engine?
Please don’t.
Bystander? Or driver?
You may think the world is divided into groups.
- Active and Passive
- Bystanders and Drivers
- Happy and Unhappy
You’re wrong.
Your actions determine your title.
Change your actions, change your title.
The choice is easier than you think.
It’s about you, finding that part of your being that knows there is joy. Not just for others, but for you also.
Finding tools to access that joy is easy.
Putting them to use is a challenge.
Let me give you just the first spoonful of information. First, an excerpt from a great article about relationships. Seven Key Habits for Building Relationships. It takes less than five minutes to read the article, and it shows us how to act. Pure and simple.
It’s about grooming your attitude.
Take the following paragraph, for instance. The first time you read it, you think it’s describing happy people.
But read it again, and you’ll see each sentence contains an instruction.
Try it:
“People who build great relationships feel good about who they are and always look for the positive in their world. They genuinely want the best for others and want to see them succeed.
The energy of people who are comfortable in their own skin, upbeat, and positive creates an atmosphere where we feel good, want to be around, and want to spend time with them. They don’t gossip about others and keep what we tell them in confidence. Being self-confident, they don’t feel the need to draw attention to themselves. They always have time for the significant others in their lives. They are life-long learners who are always open to and looking for opportunities for self-improvement.”
(Read the whole article: Seven Key Habits For Building Better Relationships, by Harvey Deutschendorf, for FastCompany 2-2-2015)
If that’s not enough…
I’ll give you two great books to consider. Two books, out of countless worthy resources.
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change -Anniversary edition
By Stephen R. Covey
Let’s start with that one. It’s so good that I’ll probably do some kind of post just on that book. Again, a book that tells you what to do.
One more book. A surprising look into the needs of people and how to meet them. Written for marriage, but enlightening for all.
 | Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs By Dr. Emerson Eggerichs |
How Can I Make My Relationships Better?
Friendship.
What makes it work?
Like any ship,
you’ll need an anchor.
Look, I don’t possess superior knowledge or abilities, I have no superpowers. I’m just a human being, like you. What I have learned is that there is a better way. I don’t own the better way, I just know that we can find it, and there are people eager to show us.
Here’s what you and I are “on the hook” for:
Find that better way. And go there. 💖
When we get our heart right, other things naturally fall into place.
Getting our heart right is about loving others, as Christ loved us.
It’s about a depth of love we cannot achieve on our own. A love that is constantly replenished and strengthened, a love that gives us an ability to look beyond resentment, beyond discontentedness, beyond the struggles.
That’s what you’ll find here at Grammye’s Front Porch. A whole lot of looking at how to get that kind of love, how to give that kind of love.
I’ll warn you:
This kind of growth runs completely counter to what the world tells us.
We are constantly bombarded with self-love messages, justified by a logic that says we love ourselves first and then we can start loving others. There may have been a good message that was there at the onset, but the story now has become all about putting “self” first.
I want you to join me in exploring fresh ways to embrace the relationships we have, practical ways to treasure our circumstances, and better ways to grow in faith.
Thanks for being here today. If you liked this topic, you might like some others about relationships — like What Will I Leave Behind or What You Don’t See. Or Why Do I Feel Like A Failure.
Check out What Does It Mean To Serve, and even The Truth About Multigenerational Living.
Or check out the Blog Archive for a lot more choices.
Thank you! At GFP company is always welcome!
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-Grammye
I’m Grammye, and I’m collecting and sharing ideas that can help you embrace the life you have.
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I really enjoyed the article. I had heard it before but It is always good to be reminded. It is easy to be self-centered and forget that God calls us to love one another. Part of loving one another is really listening and caring about them. It takes effort. Thank you
Janice, thank you! You have said it so well: our call is clear, we just have to be sure we are getting from “easy” to “effort”. I really want to make my relationships better. So glad this was something you could enjoy.
My sweet and dear friend. Just want to say I am enjoying all your posts. I can relate to some more than others, only because I don’t have children. However, blessed with lots of nieces and nephews and grands. Also your children. Porch time with you was always fun. We were usually planting ferns or tearing ferns out of ground, whatever it was always fun. So many helpful posts. Gale
Gale! You taught me all about porches and ferns 🌿 and relationships. Can’t imagine life without your presence, for me or my children! Thanks for coming to the porch.
Excellent! You are such an inspiration and cause for reflection. Thank you.
Thanks for reading, and I’m glad you liked it. You mentioned reflection, and that’s important. Everything here is a reflection of things I’ve learned through relationships — thus simply a grateful sharing of what’s been done for me. 💖 Come back soon.