Written in 2020.
(Lovingly updated May 2023)
Multigenerational living. Every day you have a chance to interact with someone you care about. Right under your own roof. What will that look like?
Coping with MULTIGENERATIONAL LIVING
Did it happen to you? Joining households? And were you terrified you’d do it wrong?
They tell me Multigen is cool.
Multigenerational living. Saying “Multigen” is the new way to say “My mom moved in with me” or “My daughter moved in with me.” Or this: “I moved in with them.”
It seems like more and more people are doing this. Google it and you’ll see. Search for multigenerational living, or multigenerational housing, etc., and you will see it’s very popular. There are beautiful stories and creative ideas, rich relationships, stunning homes with great layouts.
But this is me. My family. Will my story be beautiful?
Well, like any gift, it depends a lot on the presentation.
How to get it done…
You can probably find an article that tells you steps to take when you begin the journey. I found some great ones. Mostly they talk about the overall long-term picture. And they advise you to talk.
Talk about the bills, the household responsibilities, the children, privacy, authority, long-term plans, etc..
And I agree with all that. If you are slowly dipping your toe into the water of this lifestyle, you have so much time to consider all that. Sit down and go over it, write notes, and make plans.
If your situation arrives gradually, all those steps are the way to go.
On the other hand…
My friend, if an adverse event was the trigger for your decision, here’s where you are: You have a full plate already, and you won’t really be equipped or motivated to have those picture-perfect sit-down family meetings to make your plans.
Maybe someone got sick, or hurt, or experienced a sudden financial hardship. Maybe a very broken situation caused you to make a quick decision.
If that happened,
just getting to tomorrow
can be almost overwhelming.
So much to do,
so much to decide,
so much to deal with.
So this is my GET REAL.
Multigenerational Living: What to do right now:
Get the people and the stuff somewhere safe. Eat a meal together, get some rest.
Cry if you have to, get a lawyer if you have to, or a doctor, or a therapist. Make a quick list of what has to be done right away. Worry about the rest later.
And wrestle those negative feelings right now.
This isn’t the time to cower in a corner. Everybody is a hero right now. Your word isn’t “Overwhelmed.” It’s “Overcoming.”
If you’re opening your home, you can make it work.
It will take some doing, and some things are much harder than others. But you will be offering shelter to someone you love.
My heart goes out to you as you adjust your thinking and your sense of control. Every day you have to remind yourself of what’s really important. And you can.
If you’re the person moving in, you probably are struggling with every single negative emotion there is. Please, please, forgive yourself. Be grateful you have somewhere to go, and force yourself to rise above your worries and fears (both past and future). My heart goes out to you. It’s scary.
I’ve been in both of these places: Places of need, and places of giving. Everyone needs an enormous dose of courage.
And there’s a great headline here. You want to hear it?
There is healing.
It comes. The healing; it sneaks up on you in your struggles. It surprises you and shows you the before-and after pictures without warning.
It doesn’t arrive quickly. It’s slow. Not days, not weeks, not even months.
This was one of the most important pieces of advice I received on our journey.
Mantra: Give plenty of time for healing.
Remember that.
Then…
See people with your heart.
Refrain from seeing people as needs.
Do you know what I’m saying? Whether there’s an older person moving in because they need help, or a younger person moving in because they need help, it’s a person.
Viewing a person as a need, whether it’s yourself or someone else, is not going to be a good starting point.
Be appreciative of the situation and the turning point that it is.
Mantra: Work every day on seeing each person as a human being with a contribution and a future.
You can be a team. (That means more than one person is working for the win.) Here’s what you won’t like: Maybe your independence gets a trim for a while. I’m not gonna lie. Everybody feels the growl coming when that happens. It’s got to happen, friend, while you figure it all out.
Compromise is key here, and you need to do it well and set a good example.
Is it a Crisis?
Don’t get caught up in the crisis and narrow your focus too much.
Let me say something here about a crisis. If I just labeled your situation as worse than it was, or your expression went to panic at that term, please read this:
Crisis:
- A time of intense difficulty, trouble, or danger.
- A time when a difficult or important decision must be made.
- The turning point of a disease, when an important change takes place.
A time, a time, a turning point. Maybe that should be a song, or at least a mantra.
Mantra: A time, a time, a turning point.
You’re in a difficult moment, hour, day, week, month, or year. There’s no doubt about that.
But what do we always do? We deflate, collapse, and lose our hope. We can say more about hope in a minute. But right now it feels difficult. Devastating sometimes.
But here’s the reality:
Stuff happened before the crisis, and stuff will happen after the crisis.
It’s just one point on the timeline, not the whole timeline. It’s the change in the weather of your life, the first cool night of fall, or at least the first something. Try to stay focused on the “first” things you’re looking at. Looking too hard at the “lasts” is really depressing. Looking too hard at the distant future can be crippling.
Focus on small time segments. This minute, this day, or this week. Because things will happen. Things will change. It’s a fact, and much of it is not in your control.
Time for another mantra.
Mantra: Next year will be different.
It always is.
Calm down.
In the middle of the moving around and shuffling schedules and the changes that announce themselves every moment, look for calm.
Try this:
Step outside and take 3 deep breaths.
Relax, and belly-breathe, s-l-o-w-l-y, like a sleeping baby. You’ll be expanding your lungs, relaxing your core muscles, and reducing your tendency toward panic. Oxygen actually reduces the panic factor.
Slow things down, get control of the moment, clear your head for a second, and when you feel yourself calming down, focus on remaining that way.
Take one minute to pray for each person involved (including yourself). You may be surprised that one minute seems not enough, or too generous.
And know that God sees you. He sees the pain, the questions, the confusion. And He knows the rest of the story. It doesn’t really help to get mad at Him, though you probably will. He’s still in charge, and He’s doing something in your life. That’s another mantra:
Mantra: He is doing something in my life.
A NEW TRUTH:
Every day you have a chance to interact with someone you care about. Right under your own roof. What’s going to be the substance of that interaction?
I want to be honest: I’ve had to look in the mirror really hard, and I’ve had to accept some unwelcome criticism. I’ve had to examine my own motives and my own gripes.
The journey has been difficult, and we’ve all had plenty to whine about. But more than this, we have had:
- an incredible experience of days spent together.
- a deepening of caring for each other on a much more intimate level.
- the privilege of being so completely in each other’s lives.
- memories and impressions that could only have happened this way.
I’m telling you this after five years of multigenerational living, which is still our story.
I would not have made a different decision. And I’m grateful more than I could ever say for the commitment to make it work from every single person.
In the beginning I thought I needed to be (and would be) the hero in this story. It’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself, and it’s not accurate.
Yep, I was R-O-N-G.
Now, fully in it, we all are the heroes. We put our heads together (also our clothes, food, and toys), and lifted our view toward the future.
I am sharing this because I want it to be a place of encouragement for you.
Have you done it? Lived with a parent, or a son/daughter? Are you considering it?
Mantra: Be a collaborator for a better future.
Try for sweet moments, meaningful interaction, kind words, and healthy growth toward the years to come.
The future: That’s where hope is.
I told you we’d get back to hope.
And guess what? Something important: Hope isn’t a feeling.
That’s right. Hope is a focus. Doesn’t that change everything?
You! Are you still here? I love you for that. It means you’re looking for something better. You want to do this well.
Today we talked about your heart, the one that’s sad, afraid, and overwhelmed.
But there’s more. More help, more resources, more advice, and more comfort.
And maybe you’re feeling very afraid, broken, or unqualified.
If so, you just entered a room full of folks who are feeling the same way. See if you want to follow a few sojourners to more information.
If you liked this, you may also like my Sandwich Generation topic. It’s about giving help to your parents and your children (or grandchildren) at the same time.
What You Need To Know About Caring For Aging Parents is a resource guide, a lot of organizations, terms, and processes to understand if you’re considering that. (This one was actually written in response to a commenter searching for something beyond this Multigen topic.)
I have a quick topic on 3 Things You Can Do To Help Older People that may have some surprising tips.
You may also find some comfort in reading Better or What Will I Leave Behind.
If the struggles are very heavy right now, please visit my “struggle” series and possibly find some encouragement there.
If finding time to be with God (or praying) is difficult right now, take a look at the “pray” series to squeeze meaningful moments from your overbooked schedule.
Thanks for visiting. I hope something here resonated with you, or gave you something new to consider.
If you think this post would be an encouragement to someone you know, please 👉 share 👈 it.
Send a link, share on Facebook or Pinterest, or call a friend.
Connect with someone and share the struggle.
-Grammye
Devotional suggestion:
Max Lucado’s Grace For the Moment, Volume 1.
Devotional suggestion:
Max Lucado’s Grace For the Moment, Volume 2.
Thank you for visiting! At GFP company is always welcome!
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-Grammye
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You are missing a whole group of people in your example, and I’m struggling to see our situation represented in any of these types of articles. We will be moving in with my Dad. His health is declining, and he will thrive better by staying in his own home. Our questions are, is this permanent or temporary & do we sell or rent our home; how do we prepare his house for us to move in so we both have privacy & don’t feel like we are visiting?
Phillis, every single thing you have said is correct, and I thank you for that. Your respect for your father and his needs is so evident in what you wrote. Seeing our parents age is so difficult, and entering their lives again (in a different role) involves a lot of changes and decisions. I have not been in that position, but you are sharing with me and with others how much pressure comes with the multitude of adjustments that must be made. There is not a particularly easy way to get information online for this. I am going to respond to you personally with a tentative list of resources, and will offer a better and deeper post (done!) What You Need To Know About Caring For Aging Parents on the blog that will be more helpful to readers.