May 7, 2021
Did I really just say that? “What if you don’t like Mother’s Day?” Asking the question is unsettling. But so is the answer. Are you feeling it?
What If You Don’t Like Mother’s Day?
Some holidays just aren’t joyful for everybody. Personal circumstances create a huge spectrum of emotional reactions to these celebrations.
As broadcast, the day arrives, and the store ads are thrust before you, people excitedly inquire.
And you do that thing women do:
😏 You smile, and say something kind, and show some subtle enthusiasm.
But inside, something feels hollow about it.
Surrounded by things that are designed to make you happy, they unfortunately have the opposite effect.
C’mon, It’s Mother’s Day!
People are trying to be kind. Their efforts are genuine. You appreciate their kindness.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” Right?
Traditions, obligations, and celebrations only add to your isolation.
And you can’t see who else feels this way.
😏 Because everyone is smiling, saying something kind, and showing subtle enthusiasm.
Mother’s Day Traditions
There’s a flower tradition that has been around for many years — Wearing a corsage on Mother’s Day.
As it goes with flowers, there are rules. Yeah. It’s not as simple as you think.
Here’s how I found out about this: I was a young woman, not yet a mother. I arrived at Church on Sunday, and was greeted by sweet ladies with flowers in hand. They were distributing them to all the women as they arrived. Not just mothers! That’s pretty sweet, right? Not yet a mother, I would get a flower on Mother’s Day!
Then…
When it was my turn, I was asked if my mother was dead or alive. 😳
A pop quiz. For me, the answer was an easy one.
She’s alive, so I was given a red carnation. A helpful lady explained that if she were dead I would be given a white carnation to wear instead.
😕 I suppose that was supposed to tell us how to deal with one another that day — wearing a conversational clue.
(You probably know this by now: I’m that blundering person who can bypass sensitivity in my rushing along. But even my own often-clueless awareness kicked in: That’s how women were greeted on Mother’s Day? Being asked if their mother had died?)
Somehow I felt extremely guilty wearing my red carnation and seeing others with white ones.
I’m sure there is a good reason for having this tradition, and I don’t want to be insulting. I just found it a curious way to bring joy to women. Though I’m sure that was the intention.
Whatever the effect, I do think it was about honoring all mothers, even those who had gone on.
Maybe I just wasn’t old enough to appreciate the idea.
The Secret Sadness
I’m not trying to pick on these sweet ladies, who were very comfortable with the tradition and the realities of life.
I’m simply saying that there is secret sadness that accompanies Mother’s Day for many. And the traditions can magnify that sadness.
Whether it’s loss, grief, distance, or something else, we sometimes miss it.
The specifics are so sad I don’t even want to mention them.
Because I’m not giving you a white carnation for any reason.
As we honor mothers (and we’ve all had one at least once), let’s be sure to care for those around us.
How do we do that?
I suppose we smile, and say something kind, and show some subtle enthusiasm.
What If You Don’t Like Mother’s Day?
Are you the one with the sadness? Ahhh. I wondered. Maybe reading this you felt like no one understood.
And you’re right.
You know why? The worst story is the one that happened to you.
Compare stories all day if you like. It can be comforting somehow, in both directions. And you’ll get a peek into someone else’s strife.
But in the end, their stories aren’t yours. It’s not your sadness. It’s theirs.
The sad thing in your own life is your burden.
And I want to notice you. Because something happened that may feel a little sharper when it’s time to celebrate.
In fact, I’m going to do something right now, right this minute.
If people can Facebook and Instagram and Snapchat their lives over the internet, if people can meet and get married over the internet, then I can pray for you over that same internet.
(And you can keep your eyes open!)
Father,
You brought this reader to me today, and we both look to you now. You are the great healer, the soother, and the provider.
Time is yours; every moment is in your hands.
Please use the moments to heal our inner wounds. Grow us into your likeness, and fill us with your comfort.
Transport us from mourning to dancing, from tears to joy.
Give us an ever-enlarging capacity to see the hearts of others. Cause us to manifest the unlimited kindness that comes from being filled with your overflowing love.
Make yourself known to us in every way, awaken the hunger for your Word that exists in our hearts.
May every encounter be an opportunity to see you and to know you — for us, and for those around us.
Amen.
Your sadness is valid, no matter what the circumstances. Thank you for being brave today and every day.
When the spotlight turns toward us, we are caught by surprise, and often uncomfortable.
Because there are questions.
Like this one:
What Did You Do Right As A Mother?
There’s a loaded question.
For this reason, I’ve got a really sweet article for you, one that really spoke to my heart. It’s by Maree Dee at Embracing The Unexpected. She asked questions about motherhood, from the perspective of the children, and published the results — not every answer, just the summary of the response.
Then, if she had it all to do over, she names five things she would have kept the same, and seven she would have done differently.
And something else: the comments were a bonus chapter for me, and brought back some memories. The whole thing is very encouraging, and very real.
The article is “What Did You Do Right? Ask Those Who Matter.”
I really want you to check that out! It’s so good.
So today,
What should you do?
Probably this:
Smile, and say something kind, and show subtle enthusiasm.
Did you ever see the movie, “The Help”?
Melted my heart!
For someone to love you enough to hold you hard and talk to you hard, to tell you that you’re kind, smart, and important.
Like I’m trying to do to you right now.
“All I have need of, His hand will provide.” Sara Groves…
Did you see the post, 5 Ways to Make Mother’s Day Special? There are some things in that topic that may help you all year long. Check it out.
And don’t forget how pervasive MomGuilt can be. If that’s your struggle, there’s a lot of help with that.
Are you a card sender? I try to be, but I’m always waaaay behind. I found some beautiful cards at Revive Our Hearts, the “Heaven Rules” cards. They are so pretty, and made of quality material. Check them out. It looks like they are really popular right now.
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What’s the tip of the week? (Thanks for sticking around for it!)
Are you new to having plants? Or have you killed a few over the years? That was me for a lot of years. I just didn’t think I would ever be able to keep one alive.
And what if someone gives you a plant for Mother’s Day?
If you think caring for pretty plants might bring you a little joy and peace, just take some time to find out what they need. There’s so much information out there, you don’t have to be locked into the “I can’t do that” mentality.
Get on Pinterest and do a little asking about plant care, indoor plants, succulents, outdoor container gardens, shade plants or sun plants. Or anything. Soon Pinterest will reward you with thousands of articles to help you.
🤨 Crazy how that works. But I love it.
You really can learn how to care for plants and get some low-maintenance choices to get started.
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I feel so blessed my post spoke to your heart. Thank you for including it here and pointing people my way.
Plus, I am so glad you pointed me towards your post. I always have a little sadness on Mother’s Day. I somehow skipped over it yesterday. Don’t get me wrong, I had an amazing weekend full of wonderful memories made with two of my adult children and mom. However, Mother’s Day still carries a little sadness about dreams that never came to fruition and a child not present for the day.
Blessings, Maree
Maree, I was a little nervous getting out there with my awful question. But I found out I had a lot of company.
Sadness and things that don’t fit seem to settle comfortably in for the long term, without realizing they weren’t welcome guests in the first place. We can enjoy the celebrations and the good memories, we just have to work around those overbearing drop-ins (sad emotions and memories) that crowd in around the table with us.
You probably said something really important here: Skipping over it. It’s a choice we have in the moment, to press on. I think skipping over needs to be a serious coping tool. Or maybe it already is. 😉
I enjoyed my day also, and that’s a gift I’ll treasure. Thanks always for stopping by with your kindness.
Your post spoke to me. There were many years when I did not feel like honoring my mother. Even now, I struggle to find the right card to present her. Most of the cards express feelings I don’t have for mine. I get through it, and things have improved between my mother and I, but I am sure this speaks to many people.
Chloe, thank you for your comment. Between mothers and daughters — in both directions — there is so much struggle. When we consider all the evolutions of the relationship over time, there are many “turning points” that we don’t handle well. We lack skills to manage boundaries, conflict, respect, honor, forgiveness, and the list goes on. Here’s what’s puzzling: The most prominent relationship in our lives is the one we know the least about how to manage. That’s just an awful fact, isn’t it? I sometimes wonder if I will ever be less clumsy as a daughter or as a mother. Definitely I want to do more “right” things and less “wrong” ones. It sounds like you are making the effort (struggle) to improve things. I admire that. 😉