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“I feel like I’ve failed my child.” You’re not alone. And you haven’t. Come and see. Here’s the next chapter.
Welcome in. As you can see, we started without you.
You’ve said it. I’ve said it. Our moms said it. I wonder if Eve said it. I’m not saying that to be funny. I’m saying it because it’s what moms say.
What Was Your Failure?
It was something. An event, a realization, a wrong turn, a missed signal. A piece of bad advice, or the failure to listen. Maybe a lesson that didn’t get taught. The denial of a request.
Somehow things went badly for your child. And looking back, you see it could have all been different.
If only you had realized. If only you had listened. If only you had known what was going to be important, and what wasn’t.
If only.
And let me tell you right now, those are bad words to use. “If only.”
Because if only is always written in the rear-view mirror.
It doesn’t help you; it just interferes with what you see. It’s not a promise or a new plan, not even a wish. It’s a rehash that finds a way to flood you with doubt.
Here — I’ll prove it…
You Know It’s Useless
Did you ever have one of those meetings, like a work meeting, when you met as a group after an event to review what went well, and what didn’t? They’re really helpful. Everyone talks about the details, the feedback, and the corrections needed.
But you know what? No one slumps over the table and whines, “If only I had made more name tags.” “If only we had gotten a different speaker.”
You don’t say “if only” at those meetings. Because there, you know it has no purpose. You may talk about the things you’ll do better next time, but it’s always forward-focused. And no one says failure. They always say “next time.”
You don’t say “if only.” Not there.
But you’ll say if only at home.
You’ll say failure.
You’ll say it in your room. At night. To yourself.
You’ll say it to your spouse, or your sister, or your best friend, or your mom.
You’ll say, “I feel like I failed my child.”
You know what? In the last few months, three moms have said those words to me. Three. Three sad ladies who were knee-deep in if only.
“I Feel Like I’ve Failed My Child”
I know.
You do feel that way. I do, too.
You reacted too much. Or not enough. You let something go on too long. You didn’t find the right solution. You trusted the wrong person, or the wrong advice, or the wrong product, or the wrong place or the wrong organization.
We know. All these moms, we did it, too. All of us. We said those words.
Here’s what I’d tell you, if you were on the porch.
What you said, “I feel like I’ve failed my child,” it’s true and it’s false.
You do feel that way. That part is true.
But the rest, it’s false. You haven’t failed.
You showed up, you did your best, and you’re there for your child.
And I don’t say that lightly.
It’s not the same as, “Oh, well.”
It’s an acknowledgment that we are human moms, not supermoms. All of us. We don’t always do everything right. We get distracted, or overwhelmed, or we misunderstand. It’s just the reality we live in.
(Oh. Those three ladies, the ones who said this recently… The first two have already moved beyond the crisis, and the third is well on her way.)
Time heals. God heals. People recover. People repair. And that’s the good news for all of us.
Failure isn’t final. Because there’s something else.
Repair.
The Beauty of Repair
Who talks about this? Repair? I’ve never really considered it a “relationship” word.
Repair.
I heard about the concept of “repair” through a short video, an explanation of repair in relationships. Dr. Becky Kennedy explains “repair” so beautifully that I don’t want to fumble the description here.
I honestly think this idea is one of the most important things we need to hear — not just as parents, but as people.
It’s a 14-minute Ted talk. And she gives you an amazing door to walk through. A door I had never seen. Bet you haven’t, either.
Here’s the video: The Single Most Important Parenting Strategy (Becky Kennedy).
But you’re busy. Do you even have 14 minutes?
If 14 minutes is too long, you can get a tiny but impactful look in under 2 minutes by watching her here. (But be prepared. Watching this one just makes you want the other one. 😄)
What she has to say, it’s for you. For the mom who has said, “I feel like I’ve failed my child.”
If you run off to watch it now, be sure to come back here for a minute when you’re done on YouTube.
Whether you watch the video now, or later…
When Dr. Becky talks about repair, she talks about the highly emotional reality of damage, and the consequences.
She talks about the uncertainty and incompleteness of our usual response.
She talks about the exact things to say and do to begin repair.
When someone shows you exactly what to do, it’s a gift. It’s leading you from the shadows of guilt into light and refreshment and joy. And hope.
In so many of life’s challenges, we are helpless. We don’t know what steps to take next. Maybe we don’t even know that we can take steps.
What she describes — it isn’t easy. But when you hear her explain it, you know it’s what has to happen.
“I’ve Failed My Child” is False
I feel like I have, that’s true. But I can’t let you stop in the shadows of failure. So that’s me, pulling your arm, dragging you to the next chapter. Repair.
Let’s be smart people, because you know sometimes we can do that. And we won’t be ruled by our feelings.
We’ll face the facts instead.
- The acceptance of being imperfect humans in imperfect situations.
- The reality of mistakes often being correctable.
- The expectation of hope and healing.
- The presence of resilience.
We have to move from feelings to fact. We need to display the courage to push through disappointments.
We have to journey toward healing. You have to. I have to. Even if I feel like I have failed my child.
FROM FAILURE TO REPAIR
Isn’t that where we want to go? From a worse idea to a better one?
It’s what we should always be seeking– the better way to move forward.
Finding the way to truly acknowledge hurtful exchanges, and express our love in a way that is sincere and safe and trustworthy.
Which is the whole reason I invited you here today.
- To remind you of all the times you thought a mistake was the end.
- To remind you of all the refinements you’ve made learning from mistakes.
- To remind you of the courage it took to risk making a mistake.
And that’s not all.
There are things you have to tell yourself — over and over. Like this:
Being willing to “own your mistakes.”
It hurts, for sure. Accepting it in your mind, and saying it to someone else. But once you do that, you stop sinking in regrets. And it gets easier once you build up your “own” muscles. When you can “own” your mistakes.
Remembering that “all humans make mistakes.”
We all do it. And handling your own errors makes others capable of handling their own. Your example of honesty and humility may be the first time a person has witnessed it. Words like grace and forgiveness remind us that mistakes have always been around. And it doesn’t look like they’re going anywhere. Mistakes are a part of life.
Understanding “opportunity.”
When you keep this word, opportunity, in your vocabulary, it comes around each time it’s needed. If you keep it. It can be slippery. Opportunity means starting again, walking through a door, a second chance, a clear space to do a better thing. The word is so important, maybe you need it on a post-it note to remind you. Unhappiness, guilt, shame, they all blind us to opportunity. Remembering it is work. Opportunity.
It’s how you get past your feelings.
I Feel Like I’ve Failed My Child
How you feel is a part of the story, and believe me, it’s a big part of mine. If feelings were a house, feeling my failure would be the biggest room.
And I’ll tell you something. Just being honest. I wish I didn’t know how you feel. Really. I wish I didn’t know your pain or your guilt. I wish I’d never said, “I feel like I’ve failed my child.” But I do know. And I have said it.
It’s hard to live with.
I Want It To Be All Good
I want life to be one big Barbie house, one big Pollyanna glad game, one soft song of harmony and happiness. I’m always trying to be in that happy bubble, but it isn’t possible.
Deep down, I know the explanation for needing happiness. That I was created with a yearning for peace, fulfillment, completion, and goodness.
Why is it that everything I encounter seems to mar that idea. Disappointments, mistakes, bad decisions, selfishness. Through my actions, or the actions of others.
Some days my happy bubble is ripped to shreds, the Barbie house collapses, and discord rules the day. Or the week.
Reality is that I cannot retreat and pretend, with the fragile fantasy of my happy bubble. I have to get out and clean up the messes just like you do.
It’s what I’m asking you to do. To realize there is something wrong, and make the decision to try and fix it.
Wrong will continue to happen.
Because imperfection.
Which is why we need hope, and opportunity, and repair. To nurture the very children we’re trying to manage, not fail them.
Beyond the Breakdown
Think about repair.
Think about opportunity.
Think about how many things in your life have been fixed. How many second chances you were given.
Did I ever tell you about the time I ran out of gas in a bad part of town? I was terrified. It was in front of an old laundromat with all those scary men sitting outside in folding chairs. I was picturing my family, finding out I was robbed and beaten to death. And it was my fault. After all I have a gas gauge and I know how to read it. Story #278 of my failure stories, right?
Those men approached my car. I was upset but tried to hide it. Would this be the last five minutes of my life?
It wasn’t. They talked fast and loud to each other. One of them went to his truck and returned with a gas can, poured gasoline into my tank. But the car didn’t start. They raised the hood and put a tiny amount of gas into the carburetor. ( I know now that action was a little risky for those guys.)
And my car did start. And no one was hurt. And I thanked them and drove home.
Honestly, the story didn’t take much longer in real life than it did to tell it to you just now.
Can you see how fast we went from poor planning to undeniable failure to fear and tears to repair to gratitude?
I’ve repeated the sequence throughout my life. Poor planning, undeniable failure, fear, tears, repair, gratitude.
I’m not saying that there weren’t scars or damage or even loss. Because sometimes there were all those things.
I’m saying there was repair.
I was blessed beyond the breakdown. That day, and so many more.
I’m talking to you. And I’m saying it hard: Grace, Repair, Opportunity.
We’re moms, in our moments. And our out-of-gas, late-for-pickup, taped-together, pasted-over days.
In spite of the scars, there is something we must do.
Live beyond the breakdown.
There is not enough oxygen to sustain you, if you linger in “if only.” You must seek to live beyond the breakdown.
God is in the restoration business. Scripture says it over and over.
God speaks to our pain…
And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. 1 Peter 5:10
You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again. Psalm 71:20
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31
God knows our pain…
God,
Thank you. For the failures that you repair, and for the failures you allow others to repair, and the failures you allow me to repair.
Thank you for healing. For restoration.
Thank you for opportunity, for blessings, and for the life you have prepared for me here in this imperfect world.
Thank you for forgiveness, grace, and mercy.
Thank you for hope.
Thank you for rescuers in my mishaps, and salvation in Christ.
Thank you for the future of peace, fulfillment, completion, and goodness, the place of rest and eternal life that awaits your children.
Amen
Repaired. Put back together. Made new. Covered over.
Please be sure to listen to the Ted talk by Dr. Becky. It is so good.
Covered Over
I can’t leave you today without sharing this story. It’s called “Covered Over” and it comes to all of us with the sweetest little story of repair.
Everybody’s good at something.
And I’m not bragging, but I’m good at failure. (It comes with practice.)
My goal is to be better at repair.
If you’re the Amelia Bedelia of your family, it’s okay. Because there’s repair. There’s grace. There’s forgiveness. There’s healing.
Get better at repair. I’m grateful for Dr. Becky Kennedy’s instruction.
She has a book. Good Inside.
By the way, 😎
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